11.23.2004

Another applicable holiday passage courtesy David Sedaris:

     "Last week I found a turkey," she tells us.
     I wait, thinking this is only half of the sentence "I found
a turkey . . . made of papier-mache.  I found a turkey . . . and
buried it in the yard."  When it becomes clear that there is no
part two, I start to worry.  "What do you mean, you found a
turkey?"
     "Frozen," she says.  "In the trash."
     "And what did you do with it?"
     "Well, what do most people do with a turkey?"  she says.
I cooked it and then I ate it."
     This is a test, and I fail, saying all the boring things you
might expect of the comfortable:  That the turkey was un-
doubtedly thrown away for a good reason.  That it had possi-
bly been recalled, like a batch of tainted fish sticks.  "Or
maybe someone tampered with it."
     "Who would intentionally fuck with a frozen turkey?"
she asks.
     I try envisioning such a person, but nothing comes.
"Okay, maybe it had thawed and been refrozen.  That's dan-
gerous, right?"
     "Listen to you," she says.  "If it didn't come from Bal-
ducci's, if it wasn't raised on polenta and wild baby acorns, it
has to be dangerous."
     That's not what I meant at all, but just as I try to explain
myself, she places her hand on the driver's shoulder.  "If
someone offered you a perfectly good turkey, you'd take it,
wouldn't you?"
     The man says yes, and she pats him on top of the head.
"Mamma likes you," she says.
     She's gotten him on her side, but unfairly, and I'm sur-
prised by the degree to which it enrages me.  "There's a dif-
ference between someone offering you 'a perfectly good
turkey' and finding a turkey in a garbage can," I say.
     "Trash can," she corrects me. "God, you make it sound as
if I'm back behind the Star Market, burrowing through their
Dumpster.  It was just one turkey.  Ease up, will you."

Comments

  1. jnmadrigal on 11.24.2004

    I freakin’ love his new book.

  2. iwantchai on 11.24.2004

    Indeed.

    “Who’s the Chef” is my favorite so far, I think.

  3. takoburrito on 11.25.2004

    it was rubber, and it smelled like one of those pink erasers.

Leave a Reply